I think we might have created a monster.
I was pulling into the garage after picking Ethan up from preschool the other day when he said to me, "Mom, you know what we had for snack at school today? Popsicles."
"Wow," I replied, thinking how yummy that must have been on a hot, sunny day. "Popsicles, huh?"
"Yeah," he said. "But I didn't have one."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because that's junk food," he replied. My eyes opened up in surprise. After a loaded pause, he ventured, "But I really wanted one."
A brief moment of pride came over me (what five year old could demonstrate such self discipline and self denial?). But I noticed a slight tremble in the words he said. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I soon discovered that my son's eyes had welled up with tears, though he was working hard to fight them back.
Honestly, I was confused and torn. On the one hand I felt proud that our lessons on healthy eating were sinking in, and that my son had learned to say "no" (think peer pressure in high school). On the other hand, I was heartbroken that he had missed out on what must have been a real treat on the playground that morning. I imagined all those happy little faces savoring the icy cool fruit flavors. But Ethan? What was he doing? Did he distract himself with the sand box? Or did he sit amongst his friends, watch them eat, wishing in his heart he could have one too? From the tears in his eyes, I concluded it was the latter. I got out of the car and quickly told Ethan to come to me, and I stood there just embracing him. (Poor Kate was still buckled up, wondering what was going on :) And I promised him popsicles after dinner that night.
This wasn't the first time he refused something sweet. On many days we have the same conversation: "Mom, do you know what we had for snack today?" And he'll tell me it was cookies, or fruit loops, cupcakes or sugared graham crackers, all of which he refuses. But today, for some reason, I wish that he hadn't.
I suppose it's our fault. It began about a year ago when Ethan was then four years old and promoted to move up to the next Sunday school class at church. That first day we picked him up, he had a large tootsie roll in his hand. A "welcome-to-your-new-Sunday-school-class" treat, we assumed. The next week, he received another piece of candy. Since we had worked really hard the first few years of his life to limit sugar and candy, we didn't want all our efforts to be thwarted. Having a terrible sweet tooth myself, I know how hard it can be to keep from over-indulging. While we soon learned that this candy was used as a reward for good (quiet) behavior, we still felt that candy should be reserved for special occasions or special rewards. Church is not a special occasion. It is a way of life for us. After a couple of weeks, we told Ethan that if his Sunday school teacher offers him candy he should politely say "no thank you". Our reasons? Candy is junk food, and junk food isn't good for you (Ha...believe me, we eat our fair share of happy meals and ice cream).
Fast forward a year and he denies himself all sweets unless it comes from us or we say it's okay. I'm mostly glad about this, because I'm really adamant about my kids eating healthy snacks and well balanced meals (don't worry...we DO get our sweets in).. But to see THIS kind of self-denial turn into a sort of blind legalism made me sad. He had denied himself some fun.
We have since told Ethan that if it is snack time at school, and it happens to be a sweet snack, it's okay to have it. After all, there are five hours between when he has breakfast and lunch, and we don't want him to get hungry (don't get me started on what schools feed our children. That's a whole other post). While for now this practical approach works, I wonder how I will teach him the more subtle lesson of seeing the big picture. When do we follow the rules, and when do we make exceptions in order to fulfill the intent of those rules? How do I teach him not only the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law? How do I teach discernment?
